i miss my xanga.

but anyway, haven't been here in a while. hi. i still wanna access my xanga but i dunno how to get in. dammit.

so anyway i started my new job last week, and i must say, i am resistant to change. i don't like it. not even a little. okay i like the money, but that's it. why?

WHY?

:(

growing up

less than 3 weeks to christmas, man time flies.

i've been looking through pictures of when we were younger, the days we still ran around in uniforms, carried backpacks that reached our asses, had terrible hair, dorky glasses and simply looked bad.

but man i really miss those days. those were the days where buses were the only mode of transport for me, parties had to end by 11 or i'd get a shelling from my parents, and yes, i wore ugly clothes. days where venturing to malls in school uniforms with your friends made us feel like we were the coolest things alive.

i can't really remember how we celebrated christmas together, but i'm pretty sure as the years have gone by, our traditions have changed. now there's secret santa, who brings the booze, whose home we're headed to this year, who's bringing what for the potluck and bitching about the same people we bitched about over the past few years. 

it's amazing how fast we grow up. and a little scary. there was always comfort in returning to school in January when we were younger. we'd see the people we loved and hated after Christmas, we'd be panicking about unfinished homework, we'd eagerly anticipate a new timetable and *gasp* new seating arrangements. now it's just appreciating the few days of leave i have before returning to work after new year's. clearing the emails. taking down the christmas tree. waiting for the next public holiday.

when will we have those days again? when will we feel that way again? when will we feel the comfort of returning to the same group of people after each holiday?

i miss those days.

walau eh

yes the ahlian in me emerges every now and then, with loud hurls of "walan eh" or "nabei cheeee hong". can't run from my neighbourhood school roots can i?

anyhoo, this space has been empty for a while i know, but i've been so busy with work and life that i tend to neglect this front. many things have happened but like, who reads this blog anyway?

but i am feeling rather sian (i couldn't think of a better word) today. it's that time of month, you know, the bleeding from my vag, and also, i miss that big lug in melbourne. he was supposed to come home on tuesday but noooooo. i have to wait a whole month more *whines*

it's kinda weird to have that whole 'girlfriend' label again. sometimes i forget what's the supposed right behaviour and what's the norm when one is in a relationship. i mean, what constitutes clingy and what exactly crosses boundaries? of course the obvious stuff like getting cosy with other boys is well, obviously crossing it but what about other stuff?

oh well.

i'm just happy that i can be comfortable in my own skin (beneath the layers of fat) and that i'm appreciated every now and then. and that i have good friends. and a job. and funny colleagues. and yoga class. a lovable dog. awesome brothers. my ipod. God (this is in no order of preference bro, we still tight). a comfy bed. air conditioning. a macbook that still works when there's power plugged in. nice fingers. chocolate. eclipse.

yup. i should be appreciative.

irrational

i have many irrational fears.

the kinds that cause people to accuse me of being crazy when i share it with them, but to me, it's all too real. maybe i'm paranoid, lack confidence, or am just silly. but no fear is formed based on something groundless right?

perhaps over the years i've been conditioned to believe certain things, and that maybe at this point, they become very apparent to me. i feel stupid, but i don't feel like i've gone completely mad yet. there is certain truth to what i feel, and i feel absolutely awful about it. yet i can't tell anyone because then they'd say i'm stupid, silly, paranoid, crazy, a moron, blablabla.

sigh. when did it become so hard.

because i feel like it.

yes. i am actually blogging at work.

honestly just reaching the point where i couldn't give a fuck cos everything is just so pointless.

but anyway, that's not why i'm here. i'm here because i miss you.
i miss time we spent together. the weird lines of communication we shared.
the fact that we actually communicated. it was very foreign, very strange.
but in time we grew used to each other's differences. complimented it even.
so sometimes i do feel this sadness when i think about you, which to be frank, isn't even often.
and the saddest part is, you aren't even who most people would think i'm referring you to.
no one knows you.
i don't know you.
but for those moments we were in each other's lives, i guess you somehow made an impression.
the kind that isn't quite deep enough, but at the same time still brushes past my mind occassionally.

and at the end of the day you will be just another memory.

picking up where a friend left off.

so i visited my friend's blog (as i do so almost ritualistically, i know i need a life) and she had, to my delight, written a new entry. however as i read her entry, my mood for the day changed, and i became unbearably aware of how much i agree with her on her views.

this is probably the most open i'm going to be about certain beliefs i hold dear, and i guess if you're here by chance, lucky you. anyway my friend's entry was about the modern man and his ways. how they are clever at winning a woman over, and then once that is done, their interest wanes.

i found myself in constant agreement with every line that i read, that she had hit the nail on the head on all counts. an important point she brought up was about men and sex and how sex is the thing that barely saves a relationship. at this juncture i was all "that's right babe! men suck! fuck them and their ever eager penises!"

yes i know, this is a poor attitude to adopt considering i'm in a relatively new relationship with a guy i'm very fond of. but it got me thinking, that no matter how in love a guy is with a girl, he still has one thing on his mind that will never change, that is he wants to fuck. and what happens when he can't get any can sometimes be pretty sad.

i've known too many girls who got dumped because of their refusal to give up their virginity or to continue having sex with their boyfriends. i mean how sad is that? is a relationship based on the amount of sex you're going to have? if that's the case, many a girl will find themselves getting constantly dumped and eventually they'll start believing that, sex indeed is the key.

don't get me wrong, i'm not the most wholesome girl on the planet. far from it i know (yes yes bring on the slut jokes) but like, i always feel sex is important but it's not the basis of a relationship and never should be. a girl's personality should never be second to her desire or ability to fuck you back.

okay. sorry if this seems sexist (with reference to my friend's entry title). i do know girls who just want to fuck all day too. but i'm sorry guys, as much as i love men, dudes sometimes are just such big fucking douchebags.

so please, if you have a girlfriend, or want to be with some girl, please be with her because you can see beyond her sexual capacity. don't make your girl feel like a prostitute that you can conveniently have sex with in the name of love and not look like a dick. it's just rude.

it's not that.

i have turnip legs.
and i laugh.
and i get paranoid.
that no one wants my turnip legs.
what happened to security?
i want a sheep in a bow tie.
yes.
all i could think of today was a sheep in a bow tie.
i try to be less crazy.
all i need is one person to be as crazy as me.
then i won't be self conscious.
and paranoid.
and maybe i'll be less crazy.
wtf am i writing anyway?