i realise i'm a very poisonous person to be around. but before you jump to conclusions, do allow me an explanation.

see, i think my moods are toxic. i let them spread to the people around me, and i no longer care as much as i do about whether i'm pissing the other person off with my pmsy one word answers. i think i'm just too tired to care about feelings and frivolous emotions now. and when people get overly sensitive and stuff, i just turn on my moody faucet, and shove a giant middle finger in their face.

thing is, i don't know when i started being like this. it's like those chronic diseases that slowly creep up on you, and before you know it, it's too late to do anything about it. and at the same time, i can't be a frowny pisspot everywhere i go, so i have to be all animated and fun out there, just to keep my sanity alive.

fuck. it's like im whoring my happiness just to retain my sanity. and so often i speak of sanity, but i don't even know what it is or what it's worth anymore. i doubt i'll ever go insane ever, but i do often fight to get out of my mind sometimes. and just be somewhere else.

wtf.

today is like the perfect day to have a boyfriend.

it's a sleepy sunday afternoon and no one's home, and all i have to do is wait for the weekend to end. if i had a boyfriend, i'd bring him home and we can play with meg and take a long nap, and then wake up to cook dinner and i'll see him out the door once we've washed the dishes and watched a dvd.

but i don't have a boyfriend so i shall decide whether i wanna go thread my eyebrows later or if i should just stay home and roll around in bed til kingdom come.

i'll probably pick the latter.

hello.

before you think i'm some llama-obsessed freak, i'm pretty normal on most days.

but that in itself is a grotesque lie.

goodbye soul.

okay it's official. my xanga has permanently locked me out.

WHYYYY. 

oh well. anyway tomorrow is the new balance run. i'm not as scared as the previous time, but i do feel pretty unprepared because i haven't trained and the last time i ran was like a month ago maybe? for some reason, i just can't find the drive and motivation to run consistently. 

yes, i'm lazy. 

anyway i feel a little silly blogging here because everyone's prolly still heading to my xanga, and i can't redirect them here because i can't sign in and if i could sign in i wouldn't need this space anyway right so the point is i'm here because i'm locked out and i can't sign in so i can't tell people i'm here but i wouldn't need this space if i could sign in!

but at the same time i don't want to upload the link onto facebook because i don't like people poking their noses in here, not that i'm a celebrity but you get the idea. 

fuck, do you find my writing is getting worse? i'm losing my style. i can't weave words together the way i used to be able to. sadness. my last and only talent is withering away into mediocre nothingness and soon i'll be writing like any old secondary school kid. 

ah well. 

pissed off.

hi guys.

my xanga has given up on me, so i have to like switch to blogspot.

sadness. i'm so used to my xanga ): this is so foreign and not my purple layout and white font. give me a while and you shall find this place revamped.

til next time.