it seems corny but oh well.

yep, i'm having one of those overdone "end of the old year start of the new year" entries where i babble on nostalgic moments and try to recall memorable moments in the past year. it seems that every time i wanted to do this in the past, it always flopped because i always wound up being too lazy to sum up a year decently.

but i guess since i have nothing to do for the next 4 hours i might as well put my thoughts into words and share it on this public platform that caters to my narcissistic self.

so 2010. it started off slow yet life changing, what with my internship ending and me deciding that corporate life is probably not my thing. i did somewhat enjoy my half-year stint at weber, considering i had a rough start, but i made friends who i still enjoy meeting now and then to gossip about any and everything. but as the internship came to a close, i felt a calling for something else, something more meaningful and perhaps suited to my personality. which opened another chapter in my life, because i decided to do a little bit of relief teaching. a little bit turned into a lot, as i took on many classes and started teaching the weaker English classes, which i had a love-hate relationship with.

i began to realise how much i really wanted to change the standard of English in our local schools because so many students have no basic foundation in English that as they go up the levels in school, it gets more and more difficult for them to grasp the language, which made learning for them tiring and marking their work painful for me. i applied to NIE, hoping that this would set my path straight (for a good long time at least) as i really wanted to teach.

but nope, NIE rejected me, telling me there was a very high influx of JC students, which was as good as telling me to go suck it. at this point i got quite depressed, because i didn't know what to do with my life. i was almost completely positive that i didn't want to go back into PR because i didn't find it as meaningful. to make matters worse, i had to come to a very quick decision because the family finances were tight and i couldn't afford the luxury of lounging about deciding what to do with my life.

i started to send out job applications to pr companies because i realised it was the only thing i was sure i could excel at, and reluctant as i was to go back to the industry, i decided i had to do what i had to do. i wound up going to yinghao's internship company, where i met a great bunch of colleagues, but struggled to adapt to the different culture. there were points where i thought maybe it's not the place for me, and i should move on to something else, but just as these thoughts crept in, work seemed to magically improve, and now i can say i'm really into it.

apologies if i'm boring you, but i guess work is the first thing that comes to my mind nowadays, even through this festive season. so that sums up 2010's career trodden path, now moving on to the next aspect of my life, people!

i guess i made a lot of new friends this year, had a few weird friendships, and friends who initially started off pretty cool but later turned out to be pain in the asses. it was also the year where i finally didn't develop real feelings for anybody because after years of feeling like i needed someone, i realised only when the time is right will i find someone worth being with. all the half fucked characters i met along the way would have been detrimental to me and my sanity.

i became even closer to some of my good friends, realising how much we've grown up since the first days we've met each other, yet not forgetting the funtastical times we shared, be it in primary school, secondary school or poly. from talking about what our favourite shows are, we've moved to talking about jobs, the future, things we did wrong in the past, and how we are now. i've become especially close to one friend, who i'm surprised at how much we can talk about life now, and how when we talk i just can be completely honest with both of us. it always feels good to know that i have a bunch of friends who won't change, no matter what year it is.

and then there were people who really had unbelievable faith in me. people who entrusted their deepest secrets without one trace of doubt and uncertainty, and people who would put up with my depressed moments and whiny rambles without complaining. it stirred up a new faith in me, that i really am never alone in my life.

so... i believe you're like thinking when the fuck is she going to stop babbling. soon soon, let me do up a very brief point form summary first :)

i'll remember:

- running my first marathon thanks to my buddy yinghao
- getting my first real job
- going on my first holiday with gracelyn liyun and huimin
- experiencing many near death situations (i exaggerate) falling down (or up) flights of steps everywhere
- teaching my students and how they annoyed me so
- running to MBS with jeremy at 7am on my own free will on a Saturday morning
- not getting wasted
- demanding for the Megamind cup with tabitha

and so many other things..

ah well! it's almost impossible to be as concise as i can be :)

Happy 2011 everybody, let's have fun.

so in love.

with the idea of the upcoming Christmas holiday.

and the fact that i'm going on an intense workout with jeremy, to go back to my ideal weight.

and that eventually, i'll find my way out.

warning: long entry ahead.

There's a giant conglomerate, run by a family, providing hundreds of jobs to the masses, directly and indirectly. Everyone is beautiful. Everyone has perfect features, flawless skin and taut bodies. No one is unattractive or even plain.

Before anyone notices, upper management starts cheating on each other with each other's spouses, and awkwardness and betrayal ensue. The beauty of one person is not enough for each individual and because of the lack of comparison to less aesthetically pleasing beings, the hunger and desire for more overtakes and rules the heads of the people.

Silences and wars are started, leaving a lack of focus to the businesses on hand, resulting in profit margins being slashed and jobs being lost. Yet upper management's lust for beauty is insatiable and the slyness and infidelity continue.

Tears flow and some violence take over the normalcy of lives and soon, there is only but a sane person who can manage the conglomerate with a clear mind. But this mind is bedridden and has already left the company in the hands of those who are slowly destroying it.

And not before long, the conglomerate crashes down, resulting in major job layoffs everywhere, and heartbreak and loss now pervade.

Imagine, a world run by beautiful people, and only beautiful people.

I'm just kidding.

i hate myself.

mindfcked.

okay so last night i had a dream (a daily occurrence actually).

i was in the passenger seat of a car, and we were driving down a highway. we pulled up into a hdb flat, and went up the lift to our new home.

it then occurred to me, that the man driving, was my husband, but i had no idea what he looked like, because i never looked at him.

so, we went to unpack our stuff, and then the movers came with our furniture. we were hungry so we went downstairs to get dinner, but when we wanted to go back up, the lift wasn't working. he piggybacked me up about ten flights of stairs, and for the first time in my dream, there was conversation.

me: do we have any cigarettes upstairs?
him: yep of course.
me: what kind?
him: ice blast and ice mint.
me: yay.

we finally reached our house, and when he put me down, he turned around, and i saw his face.

and then i woke up.

change everything you are

i'm going to hide in my shell-shocked being now.

ollo.

some songs i've been singing very loudly to myself for the past hour:

1. Marry Me - Train (Listen to this btw, it's a super sweet song)
2. The Zephyr Song - RHCP
3. Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz
4. Time is Running Out - Muse
5. The Animal Song - Savage Garden
6. Club Can't Handle Me - Flo Rida
7. Shiver - Natalie Imbruglia
8. DJ Got Us Falling in Love Again - Usher
9. Say It Isn't So - Bon Jovi

yep. very soon, i'm pretty sure my neighbours are gonna barge in and shoot my laptop, speakers and then me. but hey, i'm young and fun. and if i can't party with anyone or go on a fancy date, i shall croon alone in my room, pretend i'm not tone-deaf and have the time of my life.

monday blues.

sigh. that sums it all up.

by sunday night, i'm usually at the peak of unhappiness. the knowledge of a new week starting just opens the floodgates of bad memories from the past week.

don't get me wrong, it's not like my weeks are raped by bad memories and bad happenings, it's just.. sunday nights are a long night of recollection of people who i didn't like meeting, things i didn't like hearing and work i didn't complete that would carry over to the new week.

i know i know, every week should be a fresh start and all, but somehow, it never works that way. every monday there's shit to shovel because of old shit from the last week, and to make things worse, new shit piles on to add on to the shitty shit shoveling. to me, i guess what constitutes a fresh start is when there's absolutely no shit from the past, no shit on hand to deal with, and perhaps anticipating just a wee bit of surprising shit from the future.

yep. my jolly saturday mood has definitely passed.

it's not that i want to be a pessimist, or a whiny prat, but somehow, happiness seems to be grasped only when the weekend is near. how sad is that? i'm 20, should be living my life fully, worrying about pimples and boys. definitely not whether my email is taken care of, or whether i've paid last month's phone bill.

ah well, don't worry. this feeling will pass by next friday. i'm quite sure of it.

toodles.

sweet november

happy saturday everybody.

yep, as you can tell from my very zen salutations and my also very zen title, i'm, well, very zen. for now at least.

i guess it's got something to do with lazy saturday mornings, where my parents don't come barging through the doors tearing my blanket off me and telling me we're heading out. don't get me wrong, brunch with my parents can be lovely, but, i do enjoy rolling around in bed in the morning as well.

there's something wrong with the timing of my posts, don't know how to fix that. sigh. always have this problem. whatever. it's saturday morning.

so anyway, we're into the month of november. i like november :)

it's near the end of the year, but not quite at the same time. and like all the christmas decorations will slowly be coming up, and the weather is a lot colder. it's nice, that's all.

i like :)

i realise i'm a very poisonous person to be around. but before you jump to conclusions, do allow me an explanation.

see, i think my moods are toxic. i let them spread to the people around me, and i no longer care as much as i do about whether i'm pissing the other person off with my pmsy one word answers. i think i'm just too tired to care about feelings and frivolous emotions now. and when people get overly sensitive and stuff, i just turn on my moody faucet, and shove a giant middle finger in their face.

thing is, i don't know when i started being like this. it's like those chronic diseases that slowly creep up on you, and before you know it, it's too late to do anything about it. and at the same time, i can't be a frowny pisspot everywhere i go, so i have to be all animated and fun out there, just to keep my sanity alive.

fuck. it's like im whoring my happiness just to retain my sanity. and so often i speak of sanity, but i don't even know what it is or what it's worth anymore. i doubt i'll ever go insane ever, but i do often fight to get out of my mind sometimes. and just be somewhere else.

wtf.

today is like the perfect day to have a boyfriend.

it's a sleepy sunday afternoon and no one's home, and all i have to do is wait for the weekend to end. if i had a boyfriend, i'd bring him home and we can play with meg and take a long nap, and then wake up to cook dinner and i'll see him out the door once we've washed the dishes and watched a dvd.

but i don't have a boyfriend so i shall decide whether i wanna go thread my eyebrows later or if i should just stay home and roll around in bed til kingdom come.

i'll probably pick the latter.

hello.

before you think i'm some llama-obsessed freak, i'm pretty normal on most days.

but that in itself is a grotesque lie.

goodbye soul.

okay it's official. my xanga has permanently locked me out.

WHYYYY. 

oh well. anyway tomorrow is the new balance run. i'm not as scared as the previous time, but i do feel pretty unprepared because i haven't trained and the last time i ran was like a month ago maybe? for some reason, i just can't find the drive and motivation to run consistently. 

yes, i'm lazy. 

anyway i feel a little silly blogging here because everyone's prolly still heading to my xanga, and i can't redirect them here because i can't sign in and if i could sign in i wouldn't need this space anyway right so the point is i'm here because i'm locked out and i can't sign in so i can't tell people i'm here but i wouldn't need this space if i could sign in!

but at the same time i don't want to upload the link onto facebook because i don't like people poking their noses in here, not that i'm a celebrity but you get the idea. 

fuck, do you find my writing is getting worse? i'm losing my style. i can't weave words together the way i used to be able to. sadness. my last and only talent is withering away into mediocre nothingness and soon i'll be writing like any old secondary school kid. 

ah well. 

pissed off.

hi guys.

my xanga has given up on me, so i have to like switch to blogspot.

sadness. i'm so used to my xanga ): this is so foreign and not my purple layout and white font. give me a while and you shall find this place revamped.

til next time.