growing up

less than 3 weeks to christmas, man time flies.

i've been looking through pictures of when we were younger, the days we still ran around in uniforms, carried backpacks that reached our asses, had terrible hair, dorky glasses and simply looked bad.

but man i really miss those days. those were the days where buses were the only mode of transport for me, parties had to end by 11 or i'd get a shelling from my parents, and yes, i wore ugly clothes. days where venturing to malls in school uniforms with your friends made us feel like we were the coolest things alive.

i can't really remember how we celebrated christmas together, but i'm pretty sure as the years have gone by, our traditions have changed. now there's secret santa, who brings the booze, whose home we're headed to this year, who's bringing what for the potluck and bitching about the same people we bitched about over the past few years. 

it's amazing how fast we grow up. and a little scary. there was always comfort in returning to school in January when we were younger. we'd see the people we loved and hated after Christmas, we'd be panicking about unfinished homework, we'd eagerly anticipate a new timetable and *gasp* new seating arrangements. now it's just appreciating the few days of leave i have before returning to work after new year's. clearing the emails. taking down the christmas tree. waiting for the next public holiday.

when will we have those days again? when will we feel that way again? when will we feel the comfort of returning to the same group of people after each holiday?

i miss those days.

walau eh

yes the ahlian in me emerges every now and then, with loud hurls of "walan eh" or "nabei cheeee hong". can't run from my neighbourhood school roots can i?

anyhoo, this space has been empty for a while i know, but i've been so busy with work and life that i tend to neglect this front. many things have happened but like, who reads this blog anyway?

but i am feeling rather sian (i couldn't think of a better word) today. it's that time of month, you know, the bleeding from my vag, and also, i miss that big lug in melbourne. he was supposed to come home on tuesday but noooooo. i have to wait a whole month more *whines*

it's kinda weird to have that whole 'girlfriend' label again. sometimes i forget what's the supposed right behaviour and what's the norm when one is in a relationship. i mean, what constitutes clingy and what exactly crosses boundaries? of course the obvious stuff like getting cosy with other boys is well, obviously crossing it but what about other stuff?

oh well.

i'm just happy that i can be comfortable in my own skin (beneath the layers of fat) and that i'm appreciated every now and then. and that i have good friends. and a job. and funny colleagues. and yoga class. a lovable dog. awesome brothers. my ipod. God (this is in no order of preference bro, we still tight). a comfy bed. air conditioning. a macbook that still works when there's power plugged in. nice fingers. chocolate. eclipse.

yup. i should be appreciative.

irrational

i have many irrational fears.

the kinds that cause people to accuse me of being crazy when i share it with them, but to me, it's all too real. maybe i'm paranoid, lack confidence, or am just silly. but no fear is formed based on something groundless right?

perhaps over the years i've been conditioned to believe certain things, and that maybe at this point, they become very apparent to me. i feel stupid, but i don't feel like i've gone completely mad yet. there is certain truth to what i feel, and i feel absolutely awful about it. yet i can't tell anyone because then they'd say i'm stupid, silly, paranoid, crazy, a moron, blablabla.

sigh. when did it become so hard.

because i feel like it.

yes. i am actually blogging at work.

honestly just reaching the point where i couldn't give a fuck cos everything is just so pointless.

but anyway, that's not why i'm here. i'm here because i miss you.
i miss time we spent together. the weird lines of communication we shared.
the fact that we actually communicated. it was very foreign, very strange.
but in time we grew used to each other's differences. complimented it even.
so sometimes i do feel this sadness when i think about you, which to be frank, isn't even often.
and the saddest part is, you aren't even who most people would think i'm referring you to.
no one knows you.
i don't know you.
but for those moments we were in each other's lives, i guess you somehow made an impression.
the kind that isn't quite deep enough, but at the same time still brushes past my mind occassionally.

and at the end of the day you will be just another memory.

picking up where a friend left off.

so i visited my friend's blog (as i do so almost ritualistically, i know i need a life) and she had, to my delight, written a new entry. however as i read her entry, my mood for the day changed, and i became unbearably aware of how much i agree with her on her views.

this is probably the most open i'm going to be about certain beliefs i hold dear, and i guess if you're here by chance, lucky you. anyway my friend's entry was about the modern man and his ways. how they are clever at winning a woman over, and then once that is done, their interest wanes.

i found myself in constant agreement with every line that i read, that she had hit the nail on the head on all counts. an important point she brought up was about men and sex and how sex is the thing that barely saves a relationship. at this juncture i was all "that's right babe! men suck! fuck them and their ever eager penises!"

yes i know, this is a poor attitude to adopt considering i'm in a relatively new relationship with a guy i'm very fond of. but it got me thinking, that no matter how in love a guy is with a girl, he still has one thing on his mind that will never change, that is he wants to fuck. and what happens when he can't get any can sometimes be pretty sad.

i've known too many girls who got dumped because of their refusal to give up their virginity or to continue having sex with their boyfriends. i mean how sad is that? is a relationship based on the amount of sex you're going to have? if that's the case, many a girl will find themselves getting constantly dumped and eventually they'll start believing that, sex indeed is the key.

don't get me wrong, i'm not the most wholesome girl on the planet. far from it i know (yes yes bring on the slut jokes) but like, i always feel sex is important but it's not the basis of a relationship and never should be. a girl's personality should never be second to her desire or ability to fuck you back.

okay. sorry if this seems sexist (with reference to my friend's entry title). i do know girls who just want to fuck all day too. but i'm sorry guys, as much as i love men, dudes sometimes are just such big fucking douchebags.

so please, if you have a girlfriend, or want to be with some girl, please be with her because you can see beyond her sexual capacity. don't make your girl feel like a prostitute that you can conveniently have sex with in the name of love and not look like a dick. it's just rude.

it's not that.

i have turnip legs.
and i laugh.
and i get paranoid.
that no one wants my turnip legs.
what happened to security?
i want a sheep in a bow tie.
yes.
all i could think of today was a sheep in a bow tie.
i try to be less crazy.
all i need is one person to be as crazy as me.
then i won't be self conscious.
and paranoid.
and maybe i'll be less crazy.
wtf am i writing anyway?

perfect.

that's right. i wish i had perfect eyebrows and skin. today i looked at my face in the mirror and was abhorred at its condition. i've got those small annoying pimples that you can't do much about except slab on some pimple cream and hope they'll go away, unkempt eyebrows, and dull, less than radiating skin.

wtf right. i'm like 21 with a 40 year old's skin. sigh. what's happening to my youth? so after 6 hours of sleep in the afternoon (i know right, i disgust myself), i took a shower and went to do what most girls normally do ritualistically every night. i attempted to tidy up my brows although i realise i'm useless without browhaus which i go to for threading. thank God for professional eyebrow groomers.

and now, i've got a mask on and am enjoying it's moisturizing goodness. why the fuck am i blogging about this actually. i feel so fucking lame. like those teenage girls who prattle on about their lives although no one gives a fuck.

ha. anyway yes. i'm going on a detox starting tomorrow. nothing but vegetables and fruits and maybe a bit of rice la. and nothing fried. good skin must start from within!

ok bye people. i'm boring even myself.

it's already May

yep. as the title so aptly puts, it's already May! time flies eh. i can hardly believe almost half a year has gone by, and frankly i can still kinda remember the Christmas and New Year parties as though they took place yesterday.

it's kinda weird that it's already the month of May, it feels like March to me at most. maybe it's cuz there's just been too much going on that i don't realise the days just flickering by before me. like seriously man, before i know it, i'm gonna be fucking 30.

anyway, just some updates on my life since my last post, i'm still stuck at my job. i have another wedding to attend in 2 weeks, i went to melbourne, kinda altered my relationship status and i've moved house yet again.

it doesn't seem like much but you wouldn't believe how tiring it has been the past few months! lots of silly worries, hugeass arguments with my parents, done a fair bit of reading, spent a lot of money, sigh...

and omg the temperature today is 36 degrees. like wtf seriously? i highly attribute this to global warming man. save the earth people! hug the trees! i implore you to not just worry about our the recent election results, but the fact that we can be sitting in our rooms doing nothing but still be sweating buckets. i am all for getting rid of toxins, but this isn't the way. i miss our rainy january weather.

anyway it's too hot to think about what to write. til next time when the weather's more reasonable.
 

how to be impulsive and still live with yourself

after nights of reading thought catalog, i was inspired to write again. i felt it the whole day of yesterday, and again today, but now as i lie here in my bed, my mind draws a blank.

but i shall attempt to anyway. i realise sometimes the trick to writing is to never let your fingers leave the keyboard unless absolutely necessary. like to scratch an itch. or swat a fly.

so anyway, the past few weeks, i've been told that i've been making a lot of impulsive decisions lately. by a lot, most people mean one, that is the short vacation i'm taking. yes yes i know, vacation has a lot of meaning in this context. i am indeed, going to spend most of my vacation with one person, and you know, it's kind of a trip to let me see where i'm going with this person, and how it could blow up in my face in 5 days.

so impulsive, yes. but stupid, not so much.

you see, we only have a maximum of say 5 years, to use the excuse of "hey, i'm young, i'm almost financially independent in some ways, i can afford to do something stupid and regret later! i don't want to be too old for this shit and regret not doing it earlier."

yep, the rationale of the young and rash. and i'm beginning to love it.

and the reason i love it, is because it's so perfectly logical, and at the same time, the biggest loophole i could give myself in life.

first the logic. it is indeed true that as we grow older, time becomes unkind. soon we find we need at least 30 hours a day to finish whatever we want to finish. back when we were kids, time would tick on by, and we could stare at nothing for hours. now as adults, we watch tv, eat dinner, go online, and do some work all at the same time. why? because there's just so much shit to do.

so naturally, once you realise the power of being able to take time off, you utilize it in every seemingly optimal way. you either 1. go on a holiday or 2. spend it doing nothing. these are the only 2 things you want to do as a young, single working adult. and since i've already done number 2 once, time to do number 1. you're only young and single for that amount of time to feel alive enough to go on a holiday chocked full of activities, blow all the cash in your bank account, and come back feeling refreshed (yet depressed as fuck) when you're back at work. you don't have children to worry about taking care of, you don't have a loathing spouse who's equally as overworked and whose schedule you have to accomodate. when you're young and single, you're your own person. you do whatever the fuck you want, when you want.

moving on to the loophole bit. you see, one thing that has always plagued me from doing anything with my life, is the fear of regret. i'm always afraid that if it blows up in my face, i'll regret going into it, making that decision, and come out looking stupid. i'm afraid of the judgment i will face from onlookers about how foolish i was, and i would live in the shame for a good long time. you see, i've done a lot of things that i've regretted, and til this day, it still bugs me now and then. but now, i've discovered the biggest loophole life has provided newly turned twenty somethings. you're only young for a short time. fuck regret. fuck fear. fuck stupidity. if not now then when? when i'm 35, still stuck in my dead end job, possibly with kids and cursing at myself for not taking that cheapass vacation while i could? at least if that thing did blow up in my face, i can look back when i'm 35, and say "heh i was young and stupid. so be it." instead of "fuck this shit, i hate my life, i hate my kids and i hate that i'm 35 and haven't lived enough."

don't get me wrong, it's not that when people hit 30, their life is over. it's not. for most people it's the prime of their lives. i'm just saying, it is indeed true that we should sieze the day, while we can, while we still have the time, the energy and the freedom. we should love ourselves enough to know that life is short, do what you can, when you can. and if you do make some mistake, say some things you probably should have given more thought before the words left your mouth, or even make love to someone you didn't really love (than that's kinda just having sex), it's okay, because you were trying to live life, making the most out of it, and no one can fault you for that.

anyway i'm done. if this seems like some pathetic cover up for what i'm doing, then so be it, i can't change your mind. i'm off to have the time of my life for the next 5 days. wish me well and see you when i get back!

hello stranger

omg i haven't been here in ages.

don't think anyone comes here anymore considering it's been dead for 2 months. but oh how my life has changed so drastically in those 2 months. for one i've moved. and another thing is, i might actually have officially gone mad.

for you see, those of you who know me, know what a safe skeptic i am. about everything. about life, about love, about whether suckling pig is indeed roasted. but in 2 weeks, i'm going on a holiday, my agenda and excitement hardly masked by my usual cautiousness. and when i return in 3 weeks, i may be yet another new person, or maybe revert to the old cautious skeptic i've always assumed myself to be.

i guess that's the thing about life, we never know when what will hit us. this year has started and already i've felt a million emotions i hardly felt in the whole of last year. i'd forgotten that i could feel certain ways, that excitement could be almost as excruciating as boredom. i'd forgotten what it was like to let my heart skip a beat when i anticipated anything at all. i was boring.

and maybe i still am.

but now, there seems to be the birth of a new person within me. i've decided that caution sometimes has to be let go, and that living is more important now, more than ever. i've decided that i only have a short time to be young and rash and naive, and to make decisions that i could regret, but only for that limited period of time. i've decided that other people's opinions of me don't have to matter, and that i can do what i want, as long as i'm accountable to myself.

and yet, through all these decisions, i'm still confused.

:)

on a collision course

hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.

yeah i'm going insane.

so i realise

we are so different.

or rather, have become so different.

not our personalities per se, but the lives we've become accustomed to living by.

it's always difficult to admit when something's changed, especially when we don't particularly embrace the change, which is usually most of the time anyway.

but i'll admit it now, that i've indeed changed. my mindset, my lifestyle, my preferences, my dislikes, my behaviour, everything's changed. and i'll be lying if i said i don't welcome it. because in some ways, i do welcome it.

yep, my friends say i'm boring, and bored most of the time, and don't get me wrong, they're half right. truth is, my life bores me, but life doesn't. in fact i have such a hard time keeping up with life that i find i'm constantly left behind on experiences that i should be having, thus my life that bores me.

and as i'm forced to grow up and older everyday, i realise you don't, although you think you do. and it grates against my nerves, every single time. or i could just be jealous.

we're never objective when we look at ourselves (although i pride myself in being extremely objective when it comes to matters pertaining to self). but i find that the lives we lead now are so different, that at times, you're just like a child to me.

and so when adult situations come my way (and i don't mean porno sits okay), you don't understand, and start to form opinions, that honestly, baffle me. when did you become me and decide what was stupid for me to do?

ah well. life.