after nights of reading thought catalog, i was inspired to write again. i felt it the whole day of yesterday, and again today, but now as i lie here in my bed, my mind draws a blank.
but i shall attempt to anyway. i realise sometimes the trick to writing is to never let your fingers leave the keyboard unless absolutely necessary. like to scratch an itch. or swat a fly.
so anyway, the past few weeks, i've been told that i've been making a lot of impulsive decisions lately. by a lot, most people mean one, that is the short vacation i'm taking. yes yes i know, vacation has a lot of meaning in this context. i am indeed, going to spend most of my vacation with one person, and you know, it's kind of a trip to let me see where i'm going with this person, and how it could blow up in my face in 5 days.
so impulsive, yes. but stupid, not so much.
you see, we only have a maximum of say 5 years, to use the excuse of "hey, i'm young, i'm almost financially independent in some ways, i can afford to do something stupid and regret later! i don't want to be too old for this shit and regret not doing it earlier."
yep, the rationale of the young and rash. and i'm beginning to love it.
and the reason i love it, is because it's so perfectly logical, and at the same time, the biggest loophole i could give myself in life.
first the logic. it is indeed true that as we grow older, time becomes unkind. soon we find we need at least 30 hours a day to finish whatever we want to finish. back when we were kids, time would tick on by, and we could stare at nothing for hours. now as adults, we watch tv, eat dinner, go online, and do some work all at the same time. why? because there's just so much shit to do.
so naturally, once you realise the power of being able to take time off, you utilize it in every seemingly optimal way. you either 1. go on a holiday or 2. spend it doing nothing. these are the only 2 things you want to do as a young, single working adult. and since i've already done number 2 once, time to do number 1. you're only young and single for that amount of time to feel alive enough to go on a holiday chocked full of activities, blow all the cash in your bank account, and come back feeling refreshed (yet depressed as fuck) when you're back at work. you don't have children to worry about taking care of, you don't have a loathing spouse who's equally as overworked and whose schedule you have to accomodate. when you're young and single, you're your own person. you do whatever the fuck you want, when you want.
moving on to the loophole bit. you see, one thing that has always plagued me from doing anything with my life, is the fear of regret. i'm always afraid that if it blows up in my face, i'll regret going into it, making that decision, and come out looking stupid. i'm afraid of the judgment i will face from onlookers about how foolish i was, and i would live in the shame for a good long time. you see, i've done a lot of things that i've regretted, and til this day, it still bugs me now and then. but now, i've discovered the biggest loophole life has provided newly turned twenty somethings. you're only young for a short time. fuck regret. fuck fear. fuck stupidity. if not now then when? when i'm 35, still stuck in my dead end job, possibly with kids and cursing at myself for not taking that cheapass vacation while i could? at least if that thing did blow up in my face, i can look back when i'm 35, and say "heh i was young and stupid. so be it." instead of "fuck this shit, i hate my life, i hate my kids and i hate that i'm 35 and haven't lived enough."
don't get me wrong, it's not that when people hit 30, their life is over. it's not. for most people it's the prime of their lives. i'm just saying, it is indeed true that we should sieze the day, while we can, while we still have the time, the energy and the freedom. we should love ourselves enough to know that life is short, do what you can, when you can. and if you do make some mistake, say some things you probably should have given more thought before the words left your mouth, or even make love to someone you didn't really love (than that's kinda just having sex), it's okay, because you were trying to live life, making the most out of it, and no one can fault you for that.
anyway i'm done. if this seems like some pathetic cover up for what i'm doing, then so be it, i can't change your mind. i'm off to have the time of my life for the next 5 days. wish me well and see you when i get back!
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